1. What global cinema really needs right now is more films about vampires (the who, what, when, where, why and how isn't important, but they should all have teeth, a love interest and feature George Clooney in the role of a world-weary traveller). Join my campaign by writing to every major film studio. Orange crayon only, please.
PS If vampires are a no-go, please let them know that zombies will be ok. And/or teenage wizards.
2. Propose changing the format of surprise hit dating show Take Me Out. Blind Date for morons or volunteer hit men hunt a suicidal Paddy McGuinness around a deserted studio? C'mon ITV, let the viewers decide!
3. Golfer? Fuck off.
4. Ban any fundamentalist religious group unable to spell numbers or demonstrate the correct use of 'the' before country names. Try and organise a march now, Islam4UK.
5. People who 'subversively' joined the Facebook group 'remove MK Dons from the 2018 World Cup Bid' because they want to see games at a stadium near their house: well-done, your principled protest has been duly noted (Christ, what's next? Reinstituting apartheid so we can bring back cheaper oranges?) Everyone else, who's in for burning down the ground on the eve of the first game?
6. Frame Piers Morgan for the murder of Simon Cowell. Find a way to implicate Amanda Holden, Rupert Murdoch, every winner of X-Factor and Pop Idol (past and present), Sepp Blatter and that bloke off the gocompare.com advert.
Peace and Love.