Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Unusual Times

Without a doubt, these last few weeks have been among the strangest of my life so far, totally distinct from the months and years that went before. My attitude to it all surprises me: though I still think about Katka more than anything else, and I'll continue to remember the good times we shared together with fondness and occasional nostalgia, the sense of loss is almost gone, the hurt all but evaporated. I feel the absence of a warm body beside me, of the comfort that came from imagining that I'd found what I wanted and would never have to look for somebody again, but I don't miss Katka as a person at all.

I always knew how insecure she was, but I trusted her to resist the temptation of drunkenly following up on a few kind words and a bit of attention. What really stung was not her cheating but the sheer extent of her immaturity and selfishness: from the moment she arrived back in the Czech Republic at the beginning of July I ceased to exist as a person, let alone as a husband. I noticed the change immediately - no more phone calls, only five or six short, semi-glacial replies to my emails in the whole six weeks she was back home - but, at the time, I was just happy she was enjoying herself...

This hurt me deeply, of course, but it also helps. It makes it so much easier to let go.

1 comment:

paixful and all said...

wow- you've been through a lot! I, too, have recently (3 yrs ago) divorced and boy there are hard hard times, but more hard moments that do pass and one day seem to hurt much less after what actually ends up being a short amount of time when one considers their whole life. I still hurt at times but I am much happier now and have been able to move on. I hope you continue to find smiles in your daily life, and to realize that you didn't deserve what happened. This stranger cares :)